Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
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Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart