Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
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Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”