SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
You Might Also Like
Sanitary towels imply the existence of unsanitary towels
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
god: awful nice planet you got there
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here