Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
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Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER