son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
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My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
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Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*