Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
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To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die