@Browtweaten

Son: Being an adult is easier

Me: No way, childhood is

Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES

*Shooting star flies overhead*

Son: Wait this sucks

Me: No take backs

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@sassy__cat6

My 10yo said when they’re mean to people they miss recess.

A lot of you need to miss recess.

@gavinmind

Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.

@QwertyJones3

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

@iinkedZombie

[first date]

HER: ask me anything..

ME: are you paying for dinner?

@CrackYouWhip

Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.

@MarfSalvador

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

@abraveturtle

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@philmann

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

@murrman5

[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son

@CatherineLMK

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain