My 10yo said when they’re mean to people they miss recess.
A lot of you need to miss recess.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
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Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”