What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
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I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*