SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
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Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Pretty certain I can more drunk
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
remember
only for emergencies
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.