Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
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My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I support this random dude and all his protests
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )