Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Basketball
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.