SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
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[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.