Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Oh my god
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?