Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
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every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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o
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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen