@seamussaid

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

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@_sinistroll

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

@TheAlexNevil

Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?

@mom_tho

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

@therealeatwood

ME: Would you like a snack?

4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.

@MartaEffing

My self esteem flared up this morning. So I put on my bikini and checked my bank account. Ahhh… That’s more like it.

@LostFelicia

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

@PaperWash

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

@Breadery

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

@SaeedFaridzadeh

No, I don’t have time to read the article. Just show me an image, and misguided headline, with the promise of making me angry.