Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
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Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
How I like cutting carbs
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Leaving the Barbers like
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules