ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
my name if I was in the mob
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Happy Friday
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.