SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
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They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Which wines pair best with gloating?
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.