SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”