SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.


my mom used to watch jeopardy early on a different city’s channel so that when she would watch it w my dad later she’d know all the answers. she’s still never told him so he’s been under the impression that she’s a genius this whole time


How many nuns could a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?


You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.


Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?


Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.


As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe