Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
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My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.