Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

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Me: I’m sorry my intelligence intimidates you

Also me: *misspells banana


We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
Die mends are forever.


I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.


You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house


[Day 1 of school at home]

8:32 am: Kids ate breakfast; school work started; this is easy

8:38 am: 2 kids yelling at each other; 1 kid in tears; shortage of looseleaf paper discovered; dog whining; online passwords not working; house on fire; zombies in backyard; meteors falling


Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.

Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.


Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”