Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
You Might Also Like
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”