Me: I’m sorry my intelligence intimidates you
Also me: *misspells banana
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
You Might Also Like
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
Die mends are forever.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
[Day 1 of school at home]
8:32 am: Kids ate breakfast; school work started; this is easy
8:38 am: 2 kids yelling at each other; 1 kid in tears; shortage of looseleaf paper discovered; dog whining; online passwords not working; house on fire; zombies in backyard; meteors falling
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”