Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
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My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I could NOT have put it better myself.