Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
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God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
What flavor cupcake are these
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.