Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
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I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”