[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
You Might Also Like
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself