Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
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inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Netflix and awkward silence?
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.