Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

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I miss being a kid and playing cowboys and Indians. Now whenever I chase people around with a tomahawk I get arrested.


My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.


Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?


Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.


I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.


I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies


Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.


If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.


[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*


me: my girlfriend’s a model

him: oh yeah what kind?

me: papier-mâché