SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
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My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
I’m awake but I object,
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*