@UncleDuke1969

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

You Might Also Like

@Cycloptomese

Police: Pull over and stop!

Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?

Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!

Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!

@IndecisiveJones

So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

@serendipitydon1

Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.

Happy father’s day.

@Home_Halfway

[TV show]

CHARACTER: I’ll have a beer

BARTENDER: What brand?

CHARACTER: *stunned* Uh…I don’t know, no one’s ever asked this in a show before

@Darlainky

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

@BobLoblaw143637

“I’m so sick of this life”

* sees preview for next life*

“Yeah.. That’s not gonna work for me either.”

@gavinmind

Me: And what about this one?

Waiter: Sir, this is a seafood restaurant. We have many items that taste “fishy”.

@ObscureGent

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

@Playing_Dad

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*