Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
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Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
D: Science project on chickens.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
I should’ve been a sniper. They get to lie around all day and hardly lift a finger.