Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Mistakes were made
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip