Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
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“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
NASA has no chill
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.