Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
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Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.