Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
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I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Goat cheese is for herders.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Bike for sale
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.