@Jeffwni

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

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@Ygrene

Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on

@Big_Cat74

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

@Zombie_Kit

Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.

@Scdavis24

I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!

@MsSkarsgaard

Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.