Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Scary shit happens in horror movies at 3am. So when hubby woke up screaming with a leg cramp at 3am, I threw the bible at him.
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
Someone just called me nice and I’ve never felt so misunderstood.
That lamp looks PISSED.
roses are red
i’m crossing a bridge