Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
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it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Unimpressed
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
happy mother’s day❤️
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.