Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
You Might Also Like
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”