Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
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just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there