Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
You Might Also Like
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend