SON: Dad what is that?

ME: *Trying to remember the name of a whale* Boy that’s a sea moose

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Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?


Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.


If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?


Rihanna: You can stand under my umbrella

CDC: No don’t do that. Stand six feet away.

Rihanna: Under my umbrella

CDC: Correct. Don’t stand there.

Rihanna: Ella ella eh eh eh

CDC: Ok wtf is even happening rn


My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.


911: How can I help you?
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now


DATE’S FATHER: What business do you have with my daughter
ME: Oh this isn’t a work thing, we’re gonna watch a movie and smooch all night


If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something


Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?

Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I’m singing it won’t hold me.