My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
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No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
water it, i dare you
welp
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.