Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
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4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.