She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
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Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I beg your pardon?
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
My Sentiments Exactly
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!