In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
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In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour