when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
This was my dad’s browser history.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*