Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
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Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Time heals everything 🙂
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I have questions??
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…