Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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date: “i think you watch too much Homeland”
me: [in the next booth facing the other way] “keep your voice down”
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Whenever I start to disrobe in front of a lady; I always hand her a card that states
“A mild sense of Nausea is perfectly normal”
Find a person who wants to do everything w you…
…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life
but was it fire…?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here