son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

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Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.


Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.


*during sex
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs


Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security


I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it


ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a


People are always coming up to me and asking me, “How’d you do it? What’s your secret? How’d you gain so much weight so fast?”