Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over his face.
Harry wasn’t chosen for Ravenclaw because he tried to catch the Hogwarts letters from the air instead of taking one from the floor.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Her: This feels weird, is it a water bed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I am the human equivalent of that little line of dirt that never goes into the dustpan no matter how hard you sweep it
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
People are always coming up to me and asking me, “How’d you do it? What’s your secret? How’d you gain so much weight so fast?”