Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Me: I love you, too…umm…
[Wife says her name]
Me: See? After all these years we’re still finishing each other’s sentences.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
*worm wiggles away*
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.