@HenpeckedHal

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

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@Spaziotwat

[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine

@LosLos__

Me: I love you, too…umm…

[Wife says her name]

Me: See? After all these years we’re still finishing each other’s sentences.

@flashember

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

@JonBaker

[future]

Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?

Me: Internet arguments, mostly

@Robert_Beau

I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.

@KrunkedRobot

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

@howe007

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

@iGreenMonk

I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.

@Swishergirl24

My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.