son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
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I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.