SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
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When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy