Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
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Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
*putting kid to bed*
Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”