Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
You Might Also Like
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.