@thedad

Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur

Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t

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@FeelingMervis

Give a man a fish, he can eat for a day. Give a man another fish, “Hey man where’s that fish I gave you Monday? YOU ATE IT?! IT WAS A PET!!”

@DrakeGatsby

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

@mumbletoes

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

@toni_goldsetin

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

@lisaxy424

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

@shanethevein

This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

@EdgarAllanLo

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

@DadandBuried

*putting kid to bed*

Me: Goodnight, buddy, I love you.
Sleep tight.

7yo: Dad, you have to make sugar cookies to bring to class tomorrow. Goodnight!

@TheCatWhisprer

Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?

@JoParkerBear

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks