SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

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I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.


Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come


Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.


I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.


I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.


[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]

“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”


My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.


ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever


[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129