I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
You Might Also Like
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]
“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129