SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
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Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
road rage
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier