@jordan_stratton

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

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@LaniBeno

I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.

@weinerdog4life

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

@DurtMcHurtt

Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.

@Bob_Janke

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

@KentWGraham

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

@Crunk_Jews

[first day as Tour Guide in History Museum]

“And if you look over here you’ll see a lot more really old shit.”

@ericsshadow

My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.

@ArfMeasures

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

@iamburtjarvis

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129