son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
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I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Leaving the Barbers like
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT