@HenpeckedHal

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

- @HenpeckedHal

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@Ideal_Victoria

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

@AimeeHelene1

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

@mdob11

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

@_elvishpresley_

[restaurant]

date: this chicken is a little dry

me: I think my burger‘s undercooked

waiter: how is everything

me: it’s great

date: so good

@Gupton68

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

@juliussharpe

I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.

@envydatropic

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

@dshack8

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.