Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

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Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…


I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.


Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?


They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this


– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog