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@daddydoubts: Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
@CrackYouWhip: My workout schedule: 1. Run half mile 2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights 3. 35 year break 4. Protein shake 5. Repeat
@Soberphobiccc: Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope's car.
@SICKOFWOLVES: HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
@aJasonWeight: Gym employee: -and here's your membership card. Me: So we fight here? GE: What? Me: I fight you and get your gym's badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or- GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
@MarlaCaceres: Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
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