Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
You Might Also Like
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.