@iAmDelFreaky
I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.
@daddydoubts
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
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@iAmDelFreaky
@TweetPotato314
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
@sliver_of
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
@delusions_of
Been working out. Pretty sure I can beat up half the kids from “Stranger Things” now.
@AbbyHasIssues
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
@SCOOPISMS
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
@FredTaming
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
@saltymamas
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
@matt___nelson
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
@sixfootcandy
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.