SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
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[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
adding to the discourse
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
can I use a minion as a tampon
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus